I cried.

I raged.

I became numb to survive.

Didn’t even want to be alive.

From the studs to the sub-floors,

A transformation is taking place.

An excavation,

A stripping away,

A peeling of the onion layers,

We’re scraping down to the core.

There’s so many apples on a tree,

How do you know which one to pick?

The one with the best shape?

The one with the best color?

The one with the longest stem?

You know who picked me?

Listening,

Watching,

Silently begging,

For more.

Instead of: Are you grieving?

The question is: Am I grieving?

Grieving this life.

Grieving these dreams.

I’m not here for your disrespect,

Good or bad your words have an affect.

Say what you want to say,

‘Cuz you’re fueling the fire to my art today.

I can be your worst enemy,

Your biggest nightmare.

I tell myself to take a deep breath,

To come up for some air.

Your energy stinks

Whether close up or far away

I can read it on the screen

I see it in your smirk

And I hear it in your tone.

The tears, they drop again

The sadness comes in waves

The realization that once again

Another pattern emerged.

It took me a whole year.

To understand that the love I wanted

First had to come from me

And not others, out there.

One eye to God’s kingdom

The other eye to earth

Two eyes.

Two different worlds.

Her body knew before her mind,

It was letting go.

Shedding.

Shedding the old,

Shedding what died,

Shedding the lies.

The world is crashing down on me.

And I don’t know how to help myself.

Stupid things said, stupid questions asked.

I hate it.

I hate all of it.

No direction, no path - take it as it comes.

No control.

Continuous patterns, life shattered.

Over and over again.

This is my life.

Love is so precious, its beautiful.

No matter how mad you are,

love still exists.

I’m sorry that I believed you.

//

I’m not sorry for finally putting myself first…