Kicking the Hurt to the Curb

It’s been 3 years.

Were they jealous of my work?

He’s been jealous the whole fucking time.

The new ring was transactional.

And it worked.

It fucking worked.

Even though I had said I don’t want stuff, things, I want better relationships.

Oh, how did I not see it?

Because he manipulated me into thinking he was fine with it.

He liked this one better than the one months earlier.

That it better suited me.

He gave it to me so I wouldn’t walk away.

Because my home was no longer safe.

She terrorized us there. The “she”? His mom.

She stole his innocence. My son.

My son was terrorized in his own home by his grandmother. The werewolf they said.

Even built a fort of stuffies around his bed to feel safe. For weeks.

Another pattern repeated.

The bigger issue goes back to when my son was 5!

What happened that summer?

Why was I in such a triggered state?

He wants to blame my healing “spiritual journey” that started in 2023, after a tragic death.

What happened in 2022?

He tried to blame me today.

He tried to blame my “spiritual journey” and I reminded him that I am a survivor and started healing from my childhood sexual assault, which is my right.

I don’t remember 2022.

He likes to remind me of the times I didn’t put my son to bed.

Why, so he can make me feel guilty? Like I’m a bad mother?

I’m not, but that’s his gaslighting and manipulation.

I have no recollection of that time.

None whatsoever.

What the fuck happened?

Was that when we went to the indoor water park?

Yeah, it sure was. I was looking for fun. I was looking for play.

To just have some small semblance of joy.

What? He didn’t like spending the money?

I always managed the money anyways.

He wanted to keep me small.

I didn’t try resigning until 2023 – September ‘23.

The pain was too much. Right after that tragic death.

It had unlocked a torrent of grief I’d been holding since my dad’s brain aneurysm at age 12.

And I was offered time off to grieve if I needed it.

I didn’t have to leave.

Didn’t need to be so black and white.

The more money I made, the less control he had.

I was stressed out when I first got the job. I was learning and it was very busy.

Abandonment issues.

I landed a dream job and he felt abandoned.

When I took my power back and started working downtown.

Was trying to get me to work in the suburbs.

His family would give me shit all the time.

But my heart is in Chicago.

I went to college there. I went to graduate school there.

My ancestors are there.

How dare you?

How dare you!

These are really deep-seated issues, and I cannot fix them.

I have no desire to fix them.

And because he’s a jealous motherfucker.

He tried to make me jealous too.

And then lied to my face.

I didn’t back down this time.

Stared him straight in the eye and let him know that I know.

I am a demon slayer after all.

I know about his games.

And I promised him that I will destroy him if he tries anything. I said it with such a ferociousness that he has never seen before. And I was clear that it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Because I will. And I can.

This has been a 3-year journey of my getting my life back – from him!

Probably even longer than that.

You know why?

I was in a car accident on the night of our engagement.

And he still went through with it!

Because he wanted to make them happy. He proposed in front of them. The audience.

That explains why he was tense in the car that night. He wanted to one up everybody.

His family had had a death several weeks earlier.

I’m not sure how using me makes everyone else happier. Oh, wait…

I didn’t even like the ring. It was ugly. Just like him.

And I didn’t even say “yes.” I said “of course.”

It was no picture-perfect engagement. His uncle even had the audacity to call me out.

And when I told him what I wanted in the car that day?

He got mad. Why? He was the one who rejected my grandmother’s ring.

I am a woman who loves diamonds after all.

Because he didn’t have control?

Because the ring she had was better than the one he had picked out?

I always thought we were equals. He said I was always a cut above.

News to me, but yes hunny, I guess it’s true. I am most definitely many cuts above you.

He’s a coward. And he’s strung me like a harp long enough.

It’s time to show him the door and kick the hurt to the curb.

Instead of forever and always, I’ll forever be the one that got away.