Regrets
I used to say ‘live life with no regrets’
But the more I heal, the more regrets I have.
It’s like a 12-step program for my soul
Except there is no one to make amends with
But me.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be
If I had just made a different decision.
If I had made the decision for me, and not for others.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes
Some I regret. Others I’ve learned from.
I spent a lot of time imagining how my life would go.
And it has not gone as I imagined or planned.
Being a trauma survivor was not on my to-do list.
I spent too many years chasing the wrong things
The wrong people
The wrong path.
Sometimes, it’s hard to let the past go.
I have very clear and vivid memories of times I went one way
And I should have gone another.
I’m working on forgiving myself
For what I knew then, and what I know now.
It’s not easy.
And two things can be true at the same time.
I can have regrets and I can be grateful for where I am today.
God knows I’m stronger for it.
For the path I took.
I’ve done a lot of healing.
I wonder if I would have healed
If I had taken a different path.
I tell myself that things work out
The way they’re meant to be.
On my hardest days, it’s really tough to believe that.
I could have lived a healthier life
If I had just made different decisions.
Instead, I repeated the patterns of chaos
And have paid dearly for it.
I’m not sure what my future holds
Except my values.
And the belief that I’ll pick myself up each day
No matter what happens.
To live in the unknown is uncomfortable
And yet, that’s where I need to grow.
The path I mapped out for myself
Didn’t come.
Things didn’t happen the way I had planned.
Or dreamed.
To find a place of safety and security
I now find that within myself.
In my memories of times gone by
In the dreams I used to hold close
In the nature that surrounds me.
Regrets
I can’t stay there too long
Or I’ll miss what is right in front of me.
Which is what happened then
And I don’t want to do that now.
Checking out is what got me here
Checking in is the grounding force
That keeps me going.
I’ve learned not to expect too much from life
Because when I do
Somehow it always disappoints me.
Regrets
I have them.
And I hope to have less of them
As time goes on.
